Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
