you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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