Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
