She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
