The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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