His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
