My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
