we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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