this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
