you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
