My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
