it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
