And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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