I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Houston, we have a squirter
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
