dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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