My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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