is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
