Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
