I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
