I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
