even my farts smell like vagina
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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