life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
