Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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