At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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