I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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