He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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