I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
