my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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