A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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