i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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