why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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