I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
