Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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