remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
