Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
