Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
