Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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