if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You've changed since you got that strap on
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
