There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
