I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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