Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
