I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
