My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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