i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
