I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
