I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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