I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
