dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
