I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
