if you like me you must not know who I am
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
