you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
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I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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