There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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