Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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