You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
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