You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
