Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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