After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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