i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
