Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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